I was born in conservative country town in NSW. At the age of five months I contracted meningitis, and when I was three they discovered I was deaf. But my mother was not deterred by the fact that her son was different to the other kids in the street – I was treated like any normal child, so you could say that I had the usual childhood upbringing. Playing sports, mucking around with friends, and riding my BMX bike around town without a care in the world.
Things started to change when I hit 16. I started to notice the way I would look at guys compared to girls. I would get this strange feeling of butterflies in my stomach. But I couldn’t put my finger on the reason why I was feeling this way. It felt weird – excitement and fear at the same time.
I started to avoid eye contact with any of the guys. I even made sure I didn’t look at anyone getting changed during sport and phys-ed time, because I had overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. I thought what I was feeling was not what a 16-year-old boy should be feeling.
I wanted to search for answers, but in our conservative country town there was nowhere to go. There was no way I was going to tell my parents I had feelings for guys and didn’t understand what they meant. So I tried to suppress them by fitting in with the crowd.
After I left school I experienced my first same sex sexual encounter. My best friend and I went horse riding and camped out overnight. It was quite a traumatic experience – the feeling of excitement, joy and pleasure at being able to embrace my sexuality, but also the shame and guilt I felt because I thought what we were doing was wrong.
Small town homophobia
My first experience of homophobia came at the age of 20. It was one the many turning points of my life, one that I can still remember as clear as if it happened yesterday.
I was playing competitive tennis at the local tennis club. There was a rumour that a friend of mine who was married had just come out. He was playing tennis that night, so I decided to approach him to talk about it. But when I sat down next to him, I was grabbed by the arm and dragged away. I was told not to talk to him, because he was a bad influence and needed to be run out of town… “he has no place in society.”
That weekend there was an article in the local paper about him and his sexuality, and the shame he had put on his family and children. There were letters to the editor, condemning his actions. His life destroyed, he soon left town.
So I completely shut down and chose to never come out. I withdrew emotionally and mentally from my parents, family, friends and society. I started to live a lie, thinking that I would be happy if I made everyone around me happy. I focused my energy on things that matter to others and not me – I would do the ‘normal guy’ things such as chase the girls to impress them, and go to pubs with the guys every Friday night.
At 21 and still living at home, my parents would ask me when I was going to settle down, get married and have children. The possibility of getting married terrified me, but it had to be done, it was what everyone else did – get married, buy a house, have children… that is what we’re supposed to do, right? I thought it would also distract me from my true sexual feelings. And I had always wanted to have children, there was no denying that.
I meet my wife-to-be through a mutual friend. But I knew that I shouldn’t have been with her, and still wanted to explore my feelings for guys. Just prior to getting married, my grandmother, who I grew very close to during my childhood years, asked me if I was gay and if I was doing the right thing. I told her there was no way I was gay, and that I wanted to get married.
Looking back, I wish I’d had the courage to speak up and tell her how I really felt. But denial was my best friend, and I felt had to go through with the marriage to prove to everyone that I was a ‘normal’ person who was capable of living a ‘normal’ life…
Married with children
I finally got married at the age of 24. When I think about that day now, I just feel sadness. I remember standing at the alter crying because I hated myself so much for not being strong and speaking up when I was younger. I looked around the church and saw all these people who have been in my life all these years. I couldn’t let them down and be selfish by doing something that I should’ve done years before.
A month after we married, I quit my job as I wasn’t happy living in the country. I wanted to find a distraction, as I could not get over the feelings that had came back to haunt me. So we decided to pack up and move to Melbourne. I was excited by the prospect of finding a new life in the city and making new friends.
In 2000 we had our first child, which was the most amazing experience anyone can have, to bring a child into the world. In 2002 we had our second, and life still appeared to be normal. I was doing well at work, moving up the ranks through my profession. We seemed to have everything we wanted – a nice house, nice car, and nice friends. Keeping up the lifestyle. It seemed so much easier to live a lie than to be honest with myself.
Things started to crash around me in early 2005. The urge to explore my sexuality came back stronger then ever. I hated myself so much. The harder I tried to distract myself from it, the stronger it got. It was like I was not going to be able to beat it.
We were expecting another child in October. I started to find bigger distractions, doing things on a bigger scale. Let me put it this way – I could have easily ended up in jail. I was sinking deeper and deeper into the dark world of depression. I never sought professional help, because I was too busy trying to fight it and show people that I was a strong and capable person who could provide for his family and have everything.
My darkest day
On June 6 2005 I made arrangements to take my own life.
I woke up at 4am and left the house to fly to Sydney. I had to end my horrible feelings of guilt, shame and stress that I couldn’t bear. It was weighing me down, like I was sinking to the bottom of the ocean, chained to a cement block. I was fighting a battle I felt I could no longer win.
I was not going to surrender to the world and be judged. I wanted leave without anyone ever knowing the truth about me. I had lived my life as a lie for so long, and felt there was no point in changing it now.
I arrived at the airport, switched my phone off and booked a flight to Sydney. I didn’t care where I was going as long as I was not in Melbourne, as it held too many memories of my children, my friends and my family – and I did not want to smear my blood on the place my children grew up. I wanted them to grow up knowing that their dad loved them for who they are, and not for what I did or who I was.
I arrived in Sydney, lost, confused and unsure what I was going to do next, even though I had played it over in my head the night before – how I was going to make the final moments of my life.
I needed to write a final note for at least one person, explaining why I was leaving this destructive world, and killing the dark secret of my life. I decide to write it on the observation deck at Sydney Tower, as the views are amazing, and I wanted this view to be me last.
My mother was the person I went to when I was hurt or sick, and who loved me unconditionally. But I was so ashamed of what I had done to her dreams for me. I put pen to paper and started to explain to her the reasons for my exit from this life and start my journey on the other side, where I would find no pain, no shame, no guilt.
I poured my heart out to her, asking her for forgiveness and hoping that one day she would know that I always loved her, but I could not keep living a lie any longer. I was sick of pretending that everything was OK, when all I wanted to do was scream.
I knew she would look after my children as I was not strong enough to do it. And I hoped she would be brave and not to blame herself for my mistakes, as she gave me the gift of life.
I felt a sense of relief when writing the letter. It was like a huge amount of weight was lifted, but somewhere inside I was still scared about going through with it. I felt like a coward, for putting her through this. I just wished there was an easier answer.
As I was walking towards the lift at Sydney Tower I noticed three boys exiting. It made me think about my own children and what I was doing to them. They loved me unconditionally; all they ever cared about was playing with me, taking them to the park, just being there with them.
I could not go through with it and deny them of their father. I had to work out a way to deal with this.
I needed professional help, but I wasn’t ready to come out. I caught the next plane back to Melbourne, and my best friend was waiting at the airport for me, as I rang him to meet me there.
He told me everyone was worried about me as I had not turned up at work and was not contactable. No-one contacted my parents, so that was a good thing. I couldn’t even think straight, I was exhausted from everything that had built up over the past ten years or so. I was sick of running and hiding from my identity, but I knew I was not strong enough to face it.
I was admitted to hospital as a crisis patient. When I was assessed the next day and given the all-clear to go home, I was monitored from home over the next two months by the crisis team. I had quit my job and become even more depressed. I had started counseling, but again I kept it all in and lied about why I felt like I did. I didn’t share anything about my feelings of being gay. This went on over a period of six months – the constant lying and betrayal.
My youngest was born in October 2005, but I was not happy about the birth. I really did not care. I didn’t get attached to him… it was like I was in a different world and nothing ever mattered anymore. I was robotic.
But that all changed in June 2006. I met an amazing guy, who was gay and did not judge me for what I did or who I was. He wanted to get to know me, and was an amazing counselor.
I decided it was time to come out, stop the lies, and to be who I really am. I decided that the first person I would tell was my mother.
I had to tell her over the phone as it was more then an eight hour drive back home, and I wasn’t ready to tell her face to face. I guess I was a coward in a way, but I was scared that this could destroy the relationship we had. It seemed easier, as I could hang up the phone and never speak to her ever again.
My mind was racing a hundred miles an hour and I felt like my whole body was twisting and turning inside. I’d never felt so sick in my life. I didn’t have a script of what to say and how to say it – I just knew I had to tell her. The chains that had kept me down would at last be broken.
I dialed the number and she answered. Just to hear her voice made me break down and cry. Sobbing, I could not even say hello. She panicked and asked if I was OK. I could sense that she felt so helpless.
I somehow managed to find the courage to tell her that the reason I was calling was that I was gay and I was sick of living my life as a lie. I said I was tired and exhausted, and just wanted to be happy.
Her response was not what I expected. She said: “thank God for that, I thought it was worse than that and about bloody time.”
I felt something I didn’t expect – betrayed, angry and upset that she hadn’t stopped what I had just been through for the 17 years. But then I realised that it was not her choice to tell me – it was up to me when I was ready to come out. That’s when the relief of honesty overcame me. I had not felt like that since my childhood, the time when there was no fear, no guilt, no worries, no judgment.
I spoke briefly with my dad, who was shocked, but tried to be understanding. I guess he suspected it as well, but just didn’t know how to voice it.
I went through a list of people I felt I had to tell; it was exhausting work, but rewarding that I did not have to run or hide anymore. I was able to feel good about myself.
At that point I had been married for nine years. To suddenly finish our relationship just like that would not be fair on her without explanation. Because I loved her for the person she was over the past 12 years I had known her, it was a difficult telling her that the marriage was over. As expected she was not happy about it, but she was very good in letting me move out and still be able to see the children.
I guess she was hoping it was a phase I was going through. Four years on, my relationship with her now after is still amicable, as we lead very different lives. We now only talk about the childrens’ needs, as she has moved on to a new relationship.
The other person I had to tell was my best friend. I’m now calling him my ex best friend, because we no longer talk and have not spoken since I came out.
I was staying at his place just prior to coming out, as I needed space to sort myself out. Having dinner with him and his wife on a Friday night, I said that I needed to tell him why I was staying away from my wife and family. I told him I was gay, and before I could get another word in, he asked me to leave and to never talk to him again. That was the last time we spoke.
Being a gay dad
I struggled with my new life as a gay dad – I found the coming out process quite daunting, but managed to get through it with the wonderful support of VICAIDS and other organisations within the gay community.
I was very lucky that my children were learning and growing with me. My kids are 5, 8 and 10 now. Last year I took them to the park for a picnic and felt it was time to have a talk with them.
I asked them what they thought the word ‘gay’ meant. My oldest said: “When a boy kisses another boy.” Then I asked if they had a problem with dad being gay. He replied “no, as long as you are happy, I am happy.”
It really does bring you down to earth, to think that children do live in a world so different to us adults. I have since had a number of talks to my children about being gay, and all the conversations have been positive for all of us. I have learnt to keep the communication lines open all the time and to listen to them. I am so grateful to be able to be around today to share my new lease of life with my children.
I am now in a happy same-sex relationship with an amazing person, who has opened his arms to me and my kids.
There are so many people in the same situation and they just don’t know what to do. They see it easier to stay in the situation they are in because they fear hurting the ones they love.
Looking back on all of it, I have no regrets about the path I walked, and I have been blessed in many ways to be able to share my experience and hopefully help others out there who may be going through the same thing.
To the contributor of the above story, thanks again for sharing your personal and difficult journey.
If you are currently going through something similar, I hope this story has helped in some way. Please continue to read the stories below. If you have the courage to write your story and want me to publish it here, please submit it by clicking on the "Your Story" tab above.
I am 30 and live in
I went through a very painful patch toward the end of last year, and although not entirely to blame, my sexuality was a major contributing factor. I ended up in a psychiatric unit at my local hospital and was assigned a RMN (mental nurse) who spent a lot of time with me just talking. I think I felt "safe" with her and for the first time in my entire life I was able to talk about how I felt, how I really felt. She was fantastic and really made me feel at ease.
I have just met a guy who I have fallen head over heals in love with, we met on a gay listings page and we have met a couple of times. I don't feel uncomfortable when he sits close to me nor when he kisses me, in fact I have never felt so comfortable with anyone else in my entire life.
So I really do know all about denying your sexuality and how it can screw you up inside. I also know about being 30 and missing 10+ years of relationships.
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that there are others who have been in the same or similar situations and who definitely sympathise with you.
My Brother ‘came out’ and I went further into denial, now I am married!
I guess I thought I might have liked guys when I was about 22 years old, but never actually did anything about it. I thought they were probably just strange thoughts I was having or didn't want to admit to them. I did eventually consider experimenting back then, but just at that time my 34-year-old brother left his wife and daughter for his boyfriend! Coming from a "good catholic family" you can probably imagine the response that got. It had 2 effects on me: 1/ It pushed any thoughts I might have had straight to the back of the closet, and 2/ showed me just how homophobic I could be (or pretend to be?).
I started a new course at University the when I was 26 years old. I met a fantastic girl at University, we fell in love and got married. About 2 years after we were married I started getting urges (for want of a better word) that I just couldn't explain. I thought I had better investigate and started ringing gay phone lines just to listen. It took about 6 months but I eventually worked up the courage to meet a guy. Very nerve racking experience along with the associated concerns and guilt.
I am now 30 years old and trying to work out where I am.
So you could say I've seen this from both sides, through my own experiences and current situation, as well as when my brother left his wife.
I can remember from about age 5 or so when I would be in the back seat of my father's car and passing trucks. I would look back at the truck driver and he might wink and toot his horn. I can recall an incredible warm feeling inside and staring back at him till he was a mere dot in the distance. I didn't realise what I was feeling at the time but in hindsight I see this as my very first sexual stirring.
As a kid, I was always dressing up in girl’s clothes; I cringe thinking about that now. I didn’t dress up because I wanted to be a girl but because it was more fun, flamboyant and exciting. Dressing up was my first stirring of wanting to be more over the top and be noticed. My parents were cool and never seemed to worry. I just don't know what they were thinking? I would also do the hair and dress up an old doll that belonged to my mum and also dress it up. I actually grew up to be a hairdresser!
I suppose I was a typical little gay boy. I loved my mum, always helping her and my Nanna out in the kitchen, whilst my brother hung out with dad and Grandpa! Not to say I was a total sissy thank you! I played with my cars and guns etc. I even used to play boxing with some kids gloves we were given one Christmas. I was very shy and quiet however.
At about age 12, I can remember fantasising about one of the teachers and his hairy chest. I am embarrassed thinking about it now but I can remember writing one of my epic stories where the murderer in it had a hairy chest. Who knows how often I mentioned with great descriptive powers his gorgeous hairy chest? At about the same time I remember staring at a magazine cover of multiple Olympic-kayaking medallist Ian Ferguson. God did I want him!!
In my first year at high school I remember lusting after one of the school prefects. I was attracted to the occasional boy at school but only if they were a bit older. I liked men! Oh yeah, I recall taking forever to get changed after Physical Education, watching the one or two cute boys in class and somehow hoping one of them might make an advance on me, if only! I guess I was always a little different, I was very well groomed, loved acting, public speaking and tried to be a good student. I loved acting, I always had a leading role in the school plays and I had a sense for drama. I didn't get picked on that much, I was just being myself and people seemed to respect that.
In my teen years we started to have our summer holidays In Auckland, on the
Pretty soon I was going for very long walks! I had all my first sexual experiences up there. My first kiss (Wow) and first blow job! I remember some real cute guy wanting to take me home but I had to get back to Mum and Dad before they started worrying (Damn it). I dreamt of him that night and although I so wished to see him again, never did!
As a teenager I even prayed to God that I would one day have a boyfriend. Not sure that God was very impressed with my prayer requests! Girls never ever interested me apart from being some of my closest friends. To this day most of my friends are girls.
I had my first penetrative sex experience at about 19 or 20. It was amazing, everything I hoped for! He had the BEST schlong, big and thick! I had no problems with it, it was meant to be. I was a natural! It wasn't all smooth sailing though. I felt lots of good old-fashioned Christian guilt. After my first time I went home and showered for ages and vowed not to do that again. I had tried it now and could never do it again. Forgive me Lord.
I ended up compartmentalising my life to deal with it all. One compartment was myself, the good Christian boy; the other was this bad gay boy who could never come out! It was hard trying to be someone I wasn't!
Eventually I met this guy at the beach, of all places and he became my first boyfriend. I confessed to a friend at work and she blabbed. It was very stressful but I was actually relieved that I hadn't had to come out! Someone shouted from the rooftops for me.
My first boyfriend and I were together for about 18 months. Unfortunately for me being gay tended to stunt my emotional growth. I am sure this is true for many others. Because you are a closeted gay boy in a straight world you don't get all the relationship experience that other teenagers get. No one ever seemed to look at me as a teenager and I never felt desired or attractive, apart from those fabulous holiday beach encounters!
You therefore end up at 21 or so with the emotional relationship age of a 16 or 17 yr old. It makes you more vulnerable and for me all a guy had to do was pay me a little attention and I was soon in love! Oh dear! Anyway boyfriend number one was perhaps not the best person for me. He was still in love with his ex-boyfriend, drank heaps and would often phone in the wee hours after being out and asks me to come over. He would stare at the waiters in restaurants so that I would end up feeling like a dog, he would even come on to his friend's bonk while I was sitting beside him! Fabulous, so good for my self-esteem! When we were out one night I was attacked in the street by some gay bashers and he just left me behind and went into a bar, later he acted like he didn't realise I had been cornered. His support was pretty small and I eventually moved on. Not exactly helped by the fact that the sex had become hideous. He just lay there while I did all the work!
The next boyfriend seemed lovely, but after two and a half years, I found out that he was a complete fraud and compulsive liar. He lied about his name and he also lived with a boyfriend on the outskirts of
The next guy also seemed fabulous but he got scared of the distance thing, he was a flight attendant. Just when I was planning to move to
I then had a 1 and a half-year gap until I fell head over heels with the most amazing guy who gave me flowers 2 days running and cooked for me. We shared the same birthday and really clicked! After 2 weeks of heaven he freaked. He decided he had a heap of baggage to deal with, dumped me and started therapy! Fantastic!
A few weeks after that I met another nice guy who was just gorgeous! Yum! He was sweet and funny and fantastic in bed. Of course he was just 6 months out of a 6-year relationship and eventually told me he wanted to be single for a year or two although he still thought I was incredibly sexy and really liked me. We are still seeing each other. Men are so complicated! I should probably just cut the cord on him but I really like him and no one else is throwing themselves at me! I can toss him aside if Prince Charming swings my way!
I have had some amazing experiences with men and even though my boyfriends have been huge disappointments I have shared some amazing times that I treasure. As long as you learn from each one and gain something from the experience then hey, you have lived. As much as it may hurt it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before! Some people think they would have more happiness if they were straight but I don't buy into that. There are plenty of cute, lovely straight people out there too with a few bad experiences under their belts!
I love being gay! I get to be ME. I party a lot and wear fabulous clothes. Get to be loud, funny and flamboyant and have lots of sex. Sure it gets lonely and endless casual sex can wear you down, but at least I am living my life with honesty and integrity and just being me. I think the biggest crime of all is to never be who you are. Be proud, loud and happy.
Savour all life’s experiences and just be you!
I'm 59 years old and I didn't come out as gay until I was 30. So, I'm about to come up to being out half my life.
When I was a young boy, I always played with other males. When I was in high school, I had a friend I would go to spend the night with. He was very masculine, though very shy and pretty much a social zero, not bad, not good, just not there! We met because his parents knew mine, and they spent some time together, throwing us boys together. The first time I slept over, I was the initiator, because I waked up to find the covers off us, and he was very hard inside his boxers. I slowly let my arm touch his side, then sneaked my hand onto his shorts. I remember when I finally touched his cock, it sent this electrical charge through me, and I almost shot. His cock throbbed under my feather-lite touch, so I allowed more pressure, thinking I was tickling him, not what I intended. His cock stopped, and I slowly started to take my hand away, since I didn't have a clue about what to do next. I was really startled to have him suddenly grasp my hand and force it against him. I guess he'd woken up while I was playing with him.
He took off his boxers, and for the first time I touched another boys body. His was very mature and was covered with light brown hair. I was so intrigued by his body that I could touch and caress all of it for hours. He did the same with me and since I was pretty smooth, though being much larger (in every way) than him, he was fascinated as well. I remember jacking each other, finally sucking one another, which I found the most delightful thing I'd ever done. He never reciprocated, which set a pattern for me sexually, which lasted for years until I was introduced to the idea that I could get my needs met as well.
I remember being very confused when I finally began, at age 29, to admit that the attraction to males was not going away, but was, in fact, growing stronger with each fantasy, with each encounter. I was at a party where this gay guy was very aggressively, though very warm and friendly, coming on to me. I went to the host, hard as a rock inside my summer shorts, and about to come out of my skin! I said, "Jerry wants to have SEX with me!" I thought the host would say it was disgusting or tell me my wife would find out and I shouldn't. He said, "Your wife told me to get you laid, and this is the perfect time. You guys can use my bedroom. Just lock the door and nobody will know or care". I nearly lost my faculties! Well, it was the first day of the rest of my life, so to speak.
I later divorced my wife, but not until after I'd had a daughter by her. My greatest regret is that I didn't come out sooner. A second regret is that I didn't talk with my wife to see if there was a way we could live together, be a couple, and me still explore my homosexuality. But even as I write this, that seems impossible. I am so confident about my sexuality now that I make a living as an out, gay man giving advice over an internet radio to other people about sex!
What always intrigued me, in those years of settling on my sexuality, were the feelings I had for women. I wanted to identify as bi-sexual, but then there wasn't a community of support for that lifestyle like there is today. I remember very clearly going through a process of choosing to forget my feelings for women because having feelings for both sexes was making me crazy. I found it easier to kill those feelings and become a
card-carrying queer, as we used to say back then in
I had my ex-wife on my show a couple of months ago and we visited the idea of being out, married, living with a wife, and having boyfriends. She said, looking back on it, that she would have gone with that choice. But she also told me what it felt like being with a man who was attracted to men, and it left her self-esteem in tatters. So, I have to say, it can only happen if both parties are getting the same benefits. In other words, a lesbian and gay man who enjoy one another sexually and still have access to their main interests, the same sex partners.
I grew up abroad in
When I was 11 I was very innocent, I had to go to hospital for some reason, I forget what. I was in hospital for a week or so; anyway as an ex-pat I had my own room, which as it turns out was a big mistake. Every night a male nurse would come into my room and touch me up and take my hand to his erect cock and make me grasp it. Every day my parents would come to visit me as soon as I heard their voice down the corridor I would cry and then cry again when they left - I never told them why and they never fully understood it I suppose. I would lie awake waiting for the door to open in the night and pretend to be asleep folding my arms but it did no good. That was my first sexual experience.
In looking back I think I have always been attracted to the same sex although I have too often wondered if I was attracted to the same sex before this experience, I do not know, it is all a bit hazy. I regularly wondered if this "affliction" (as it truly can be) was as a result of the hospital experience. I am attracted to females too or at least I think I am. Until recently, I have only allowed myself to have relationships with women. I masturbate over straight porn, although I am not attracted to lesbian sex at all.
To go further I should say that I am 28 and to be honest, am only just coming to terms with my sexuality. I told the first person in May 1999 and slept with a man for the first time in Jan the next year. I was lucky; the first person I told was a male friend (straight), who I suppose I knew would be alright with it. I told him because we were going to
I met this guy on the internet and after a couple of months getting to know him I went to stay with him (he lives about 150 miles away) he is in his late 30s and he was great about it all, very understanding. Being able to act as I chose was a revelation to me. I thought that this would supply me with all the answers I required and would help with my confusion. In reality, although it was a brilliant experience, it has left me as confused as ever.
Someone told me that when it comes to sexuality, we are all just shades in-between, some are straighter than others and some are more homosexual than others. Finding the shade that fits you is, I think, less important than being honest with yourself. Our society demands that you sit in a predefined box whether you fit in it or not.
On one hand, I have made a mistake not acting on my feelings sooner, as I have ruined relationships in the past, both sexual and plutonic. On the other hand, I have done something right in all this by taking it at a pace that is comfortable to me.
I recently read somewhere that being "out" does not mean that you have to announce it to everyone you meet but just not worrying that if everyone you meet knows. My journey has just begun I think (hope) and although I am more confused than ever I now know that I have an inner strength to cope with it.
I know I am gay but it is hard finding a male wife
I'm a 27 year old Filipino guy living in
I often think, I would still like a family, a relationship, someone to care for me and me for him. I always say that I want a very traditional marriage, some kids, a car, mortgage and romantic dinners holding hands, except that it will be with a guy, not a girl. I am finding it hard to find someone in
I think life is one big accident but some guys are luckier than the rest.
Was I gay because I wanted a Father figure to love me?
My father was a very bad alcoholic; he was emotionally abusive, not physically. He would often let me know that I was not "man" enough when I was a boy. I am not very well coordinated, and this is where my masculinity fell short in his eyes. When he was drunk, which was often, my childhood home became a nightmare. I always worried about him hurting me physically but it never happened. When you are living in an alcoholic household, everything is very unpredictable and for a kid depending on a stable environment, it makes you very nervous and insecure.
My Father left us when I was around 9 years old, he moved away to
I have done reasonably well in a lot of ways. I manage a very large business, put myself through college and brought a home for myself. When adolescence hit, against my will, I was becoming attracted to guys. This attraction only grew stronger as I got older and I was rarely attracted to women. During my 20’s, I tried dating girls but I was never able to succeed in a very long lasting relationship. I'm sure there were other factors but there were two main reasons for my failing with woman, in my view anyway. (1) That deep down I knew I was carrying on a charade, and (2) Because of my relationship with my father, I was used to seeing relationships fail, I never gave it a chance. I still do have the sense that significant others will leave me in a matter of time but I do try to put that in perspective.
In my early 30’s, I was getting sexually involved with guys and at first I was hoping that would get it out of my system and that I would then move on with my life, meet the perfect woman, get married and have a family. Instead, it confirmed that sexually, I far preferred being with a guy.
I eventually fell in love with a male friend but he was also coming to terms with his own sexuality. I picked a bad time to ‘come out’ to him and he showed very strong hostility towards me. Now he seems to hate me, even though years have gone by. He has another boyfriend now. I do have another friend who I see sexually on occasion. He is very good-looking, very enjoyable in bed and a lot of laughs but he would never be the one for me for a variety of reasons.
Now a part of me wants to totally ‘come out’ and have a successful relationship but not just a sexual one. Another part of me still wants that family, a wife and children. I often wonder now if I gay because of the environment I grew up in, having an unloving Father who was supposed to be a strong maternal figure. Am I really just trying to find a male's love to make up for what I lost with my father? On the other hand, I am attracted to younger guys, not father figures and I am a masculine guy, not feminine. Or worse yet, was my father's drinking a way of avoiding the responsibilities of a family? And while I did not follow his footsteps on the road to alcoholism, did I find my own way of avoiding responsibility for a family by deep down making sure that I would never get married and being gay instead?
My sexuality has been really bothering me lately, I guess I am at a crossroads since I am not getting any younger and I am trying to decide what to do. If being gay is really because of something that happened to me or a way of avoiding something that I am afraid of, then maybe I can change? On the other hand, maybe on top of all that happened to me, I am also gay and that would have happened no matter what my relationship with my father was. Maybe with a better relationship, I would have been more secure about it.
I can not say I see a pattern where all gay guys are either victims of sexual abuse or victims of unloving Fathers like myself. Most of my gay friends come from your basic "normal" homes and I know many straight guys who had alcoholic Fathers.
I always thought I was gay but a sexual experience in the Army confirmed it
I am 33 years old now and I believe I always knew I was gay. I grew up in a small town of three hundred. While growing up even at the early age of five I was getting turned on by the other little boys and playing with them. I have never experienced any sort of molestation or trauma that may have caused this; I just grew up with strong feelings about the same sex.
The problem with living in a small rural area is that you don’t have a lot of influences around you. I didn’t know what gay was, never knew anyone that was and couldn’t explain to myself why I was having these feelings. Since I didn’t know, I assumed something was wrong with me.
At the age of 16, I had my first real sexual experience with one of my father’s coworkers. My father was a coal miner and I was selling seafood from the back of a refrigerated truck, his coworker came by and asked me if I liked to party. Being naive I said yes, I love drinking and having a good time. He asked if I liked partying with men or women. I of course said both, since I didn’t know what he was referring to. We went for a drive in the woods and he started touching and feeling me. I remember being so excited and being hard as a rock. He pulled my penis out of my pants and took his false teeth out and began giving me a blowjob, it felt great but all I could think of was his false teeth on the dashboard of the car. When I couldn’t finish after awhile he pulled his hard penis out and asked me to do the same to him. I was nervous but tried to do the same. In about five minutes he came in my mouth and I jerked the car door open to vomit. He again asked me to do it and he wouldn’t cum in my mouth. I was young and trusting so I complied. He once again came in my mouth within five minutes. After this I demanded to go back to my truck. I didn’t have sex with a man for a while after that. I thought something was wrong with me.
I had sex with a woman for the first time at 17 on my high school graduation night. I fantasised about men to finish it. I joined the Army and continually had sex with women trying to change myself, but always had to fantasise about men to achieve an ejaculation.
My next male sexual experience was with a man in the Army, we were best friends. We were partying with a bunch of other guys and joking around. He was joking about being with me and I put on my bravado and said come to my room later. We had been drinking and later he showed up at my room. At first I was amazed but felt turned on beyond belief. He said what do we do now, since you’re the expert. I then explained I wasn’t an expert but I dared him to undress. He did so and was erect and huge. That’s all it took, after having sex with him and the feeling I got from it, I knew that I could never be with a woman again.
I have known since I was 12 that I was gay or at least interested in guys and I have never had a problem with this.
Why is it so important for someone to know at some time in the future if they are a gay person or a straight person? Why do people hurt themselves and make it so difficult for them by constantly wondering if they are in the experimental phase of something or not.
Could it be possible that some guys are looking for certain feelings that they had with another male and that's why they experiment with other guys? Let me try to explain further. Even though a guy might not have liked what another male did with them, it could be possible that the closeness and all that comes with 2 people being close together, without the sexuality, be the reason they are looking for the same feeling with other people?
We are here to live our life and the best thing we can give to another person is love. I personally don't think people should be wandering about their sexuality, but more about how to make themselves happy. If happiness is with a man and/or woman that should not matter.
People may think I have a very simplistic way of thinking but I really believe that when you separate sexuality and love, life will be easier. Sex is something you do with a person (male or female). Love is something you do with someone special (male and female). Based on this philosophy, isn't it more important to be known as someone has truly loved another, than simply to be labeled as gay or straight?
Looking back now I think that I always had homosexual feelings. I have always loved to look at men, especially muscular types, and always wished that I had a nice hunky body. At school at the age of 10 another boy and I used to play with each other’s bodies and later he tried to have sex with me but nothing really happened it was just youthful fumblings. At boarding school I had schoolboy crushes on other guys and later when I moved away from home and shared a flat with other straight guys, I would go to see gay movies and fantasised about gay sex.
Once in a gay club in
I controlled my sexual orientation and my peer group were all ‘straight’. I remained a hetero-virgin until I was over 21. When I was 26, I met and married my wife. I was very happy about getting married. We have wonderful kids and I do not have any regrets about them being on this earth. Until last year we had a comfortable existence and an apparently stable marriage. The sex was infrequent and not particularly great, that was probably down to me, although it was generally me that made the sexual advances. To compensate and to sate my other desires, sometimes when my wife was away, I would buy a gay video to watch and enjoy.
Some time ago, I was made redundant after having worked very hard for them for over several years. It was brutal. I was told to leave within the week and, as often is the case in these matters, there was very little moral support from the company since you suddenly became a leper. I felt thrown onto the scrap heap. I have to admit that after the initial shock and having left the company, at first I felt good, I was on holiday for three months. Then came a second phase when I slowly started a Jekyl and Hyde existence to hide my true self. I did not want to have to tell anyone how I felt about not having a job. I kept up the appearances of being happy in my current situation and explained to people that I had “irons in the fire”.
My company had allowed me to keep my portable computer and I was able to link into the internet and, since I was unable to work as I was still contracted to the company, I decided to learn how to surf the internet and see what was available. Of course I used it to look for jobs and for all sorts of information but I also found the key to Pandora’s box. I typed “gay” into the search engine and my true self appeared in cyber space. I found pictures and stories that I liked. I stumbled across a chat room soon after and I found that I could have an anonymous chat and e-mail discussion about gay subjects with gay or bisexual people. I found that cyber sex awakened a latent thrill and, whilst chatting to other guys, they said that I was very good at making them feel hot and horny and I could sit at home fantasising about how I would love to have gay sex. I lay in bed at night and I felt that I had to try it out.
I discovered that I could arrange to meet people at lunchtime and in the evening to try out new sexual experiences. I was also travelling to
Should I have talked to someone? I couldn’t see whom I could talk to. My friends were all straight and the fear of rejection blocks all reason. My wife or family would never understand. How would I start the conversation? “Hi Guys, just wondered if you could help me, I believe I’m gay”. I needed to talk but did not know where to go. It is too easy to say now what should have been done.
This other life moved on I started to ‘chat’ with other guys and had some very sexy discussions with them my fantasies running riot and I knew that I had to go on. Then I met a young gay guy who was very interesting and what’s more, he was interested in me. We met in a cyber sex chat room and it was one of the most pleasurable chats I’ve had. We soon bored of the chat room that day and, since I was alone in the house, we talked by phone and carried on our erotic fantasies. We exchanged photos and he looked gorgeous. We continued to speak by phone over time and we both appeared to enjoy the experiences that we had. I found that I was very at ease with him, even though he was a complete stranger that, at that time, I had never even met!
I arranged to meet my young cyber buddy in
After many years of marriage I was unfaithful and that evening I had the most glorious sex with a man. I really surprised him when I told him that it was the first time that I had had gay sex. It was fantastic, I spent the night in the arms of a most wonderful guy and did most of the things I had only fantasised about before. I arranged to see him again soon.
In my ‘other’ life things were changing. My attitude to my wife and children was altering, my tolerance levels dropped to zero. I found that I was thinking of my new lust all the time. We would phone each other several times a day either just to chat or to “cyber-sex”. I felt good about it. I was falling in love with him and apparently, he with me, although we both tried not to. He was sensible enough to know that with me being married there would be all sorts of complications for us. I think I had known that my marriage was fading in that I needed to change and I couldn’t within the current structure of my marriage. I spent my time trying to work out how I was going to be able to see him again, what business trip could I wangle? The ideal opportunity soon arose and I went to
Then one afternoon my wife cornered me and asked me if I was having an affair. She had realised that something was wrong and thought that perhaps I was having an affair with one of her friends. I suppose, looking back, I had wanted this to happen. I needed to tell her that I had changed, that I had realised that I was gay.
Since that time I have spent time trying to analyse myself, trying to understand myself and to prepare a future. I know that my family and especially my kids are suffering. At the time I thought that I was bisexual (since then I have revised this and now realise that I am gay). I have discovered through some of the chat rooms that there are other people in the same boat as me. I am not totally alone. My family has not totally rejected me although they do find it difficult to understand my situation. Some of them were worried about my mental state. I have not contemplated suicide, I am a devout coward, but I did sit in my car overlooking a large river. I needed someone to talk to desperately and I ended up going to a church in the city. I am not a religious man but needed somewhere to go. I had (and still have) an enormous guilt complex and felt that I needed someone to throw a punch at me, to hurt me in order to repay me for what I was doing. Was this a mid-life crisis or more?
To cut a long story shorter I spent two weeks away from my family in the quiet of the country side trying to come to terms with myself but emotionally going through hell. I spent much time talking with my extended family trying to make them understand what had happened to me. I had been called an emotional cripple before this but now I can walk. I have discovered much about myself and I feel calm that, at last, I have ‘come out’. I regret what it is doing to my children but I will do my best to reduce their hurt at all times. Unfortunately for them, I do not feel able to return home, I have been living nearby for several months. I hope that in time, they will understand that I still love them to bits and why I had to move away.
I have remained in contact with the young guy and I now consider him to be my boyfriend, I am in love with him. I still love my kids and have a great deal of feelings for my wife. This story is continuing because that it is what happens in life.
I realised I was gay but there were more important things to consider
I don’t think I was born gay, maybe I was, but I can't say I always knew I was gay or a homosexual, whatever you want to call it. It was however, easy deciding what I was gay, in fact I didn’t even really decide. Basically, I just woke up one morning when I was about 15 and just knew I was gay. I had slept with girls previously and I was dating a special young lady at the time. We broke up later that year, but the following year she was my number one support emotionally and helped me to understand who I really was. As it turns out after ‘coming out’ to most of my friends, they excepted it almost straight away and that made me feel the happiest I had have ever been. Not everything has been good though, there have been bad times too.
I am now an 18 year old gay male, although you would never know I was gay. I guess what I'm trying to say, it really doesn’t matter what you are so long as you're happy and you make other people happy by never being rude, having respect and most importantly, leaving love in your footsteps. I believe we should live life with the cards we are dealt because essentially life is what you make of it, weather you're gay or not. I must be doing something right, I love my friends and my life, and now there is a very special man I can share my happiness with.
I am a 20-year-old male and I am gay. I do not care about labeling myself in this way simply because these labels have no major part in my life. Although I am gay and always will be, I will never make being gay my whole life. This attitude of revolving your whole life around your sexual preference appears to be ever growing in our community.
My first sexual experience with another man was when I was 12, young but totally consensual. This experience was with my best friend at the time. I was to visit his house every weekday of the school holidays as ordered by my parents. It was quite a cliché and corny situation, two boys playing truth or dare. The dares become more and more interesting and lead to such things as kissing and exploring each others bodies. These experiences occurred on a regular basis, if fact, every time I to stayed at his house. I was enjoying these explorations and at no stage was I confused about what I was doing, however at the time, I did not associate these acts as being 'sex'. We were just two boys having some fun when we were bored.
It was not until 2-3 years later that I started to question the experiences my best friend. This was when I was to have my second sexual experience, which was not so consensual. I was playing in a band at the time, I was only 15 where most of the other band members were quite a bit older. One night they sneaked me into a pub and we drank the night away. I got quite drunk. The next thing I remembered was waking up next to a stranger with bruises already forming on a lot of my body. I ran from the house and never told anybody about this experience till two months later.
I had been having nightmares about my bad experience for so long and then I started thinking that the same guy was following me, that’s when I knew I must tell my best friend. My best friend was furious and went after the guy, the next week I was informed that this guy I had woken up with had been severely bashed and beaten. I knew my friend had protected me as best he could. Questions arose about my sexuality when my friend said these two words ‘sexual assault’. This was to be the first time I would associate my experiences with guys as 'sex'.
At this stage I questioned myself for about a year and then came to the conclusion that I did like men. Although such a big and scary step it felt great to come to a conclusion so I could finally accept and identify these feelings I had been having. Several sexual experiences were to follow with both male and female partners. I perhaps did not enjoy my sexual experiences with my female partners but I identified with them and that made me feel good. With my male partners sex was great however when I was to wake up after being with a man I would seep into a deep depression with severe feelings of guilt. I could not identify why I was feeling such great guilt.
When I was 17 I fell in love for the first time. This person I fell in love with identified with me and I identified with him. We were two of the same, confused about society but quite sure of what we liked and disliked. This relationship lasted for two years which I later found out to be almost married in 'gay' terms. We were in love with each other and I believe that we still love each other dearly although we do not see each other now. We split up due to his insecurities about being 'gay'. This confused me greatly because it made me once again question my sexuality and whether it was 'right' or not. If this person, so comfortable with their sexuality was now questioning it, perhaps I should be too? Up until my 20th birthday I was still the confused little boy that I had started off being. Many incidents and circumstances contributed and re-assured this insecurity. On my 20th birthday I decided enough is enough and sought out my true self. This was a difficult task because of all the social bullshit I had to cut through to get to how I was truly feeling about myself. I looked at my life and realised that I had made this part of my life my whole life. I was not willing to live this way anymore.
I now feel I am comfortable with my sexuality, basically, I know what I like. I now identify with the gay community but I would never be surprised if I was to wake up tomorrow and find the girl of my dreams. This I believe is now the exciting part of life, you never know what is around the corner. If I keep my mind open to new experiences I will reduce my confusion. Take life how it comes and most of all experience life and all it has to offer whether that be a male, a female, a new land or a new love. Live life!
I’ve always liked guys but I was also happy to settle down with my wife
When I was growing up I would play with a very good friend of mine who lived across the road. When I was about 8, he and I would play "Doctors" and we use to play with each other’s dicks, which included sucking, we even got hard. This continued for many years until we were in our mid-teens, he and his family moved away.
I shared a room with my brother, there is 7 years between us, so when I was 8 or 9 he was beginning to find out what was between his legs. Many a night I would see him having a wank when he thought I was asleep. At around the age of 12, I caught him wanking and asked what he was doing (though I was not that stupid not to already know). He told me although I could see him getting embarrassed. He then took my hand and placed it on his cock. By now I was showing signs of excitement, so he grabbed me, took my cock out of my pajamas and put it in his mouth. I did not know what to think, however I always looked at all of my brothers cocks when they were in the bath and some of the boys at school whilst we were having showers and I always liked to look at their cocks, they fascinated me. So I played along with my brother and gave him head, when he came he told me it was the best sucking off he had ever had. These occasions did not happen very often but when they did I enjoyed them.
When I went to senior school it was an all boy school, there was one boy who was well developed and I caught him looking at me. When no one was about I let him touch me, I was hard and so was he. We meet up during one lunchtime and sucked each other off, this happened a number of times whilst we were at school. At the age of 18 I had my first experience with girls, which I thoroughly enjoyed but I always liked to suck cock as well. I had many girlfriends during my mid to late teenage years and enjoyed having them.
When I was 18 I also had a friend who I knew was gay. I talked to him about what I felt, that I liked boys and girls. He told me that I should experiment a little, so I did. He and I had many sessions together and I liked them. He even took me to a gay party.
My problem was I could not ‘come out’ as my father would have done his pieces. In the end I found a nice girl whom I love and we got married. We have been married for over 12 years, however I still enjoy from time to time sucking a cock.
I am writing this at the late hour of 6:35 am. I have been on the internet for about 7 hours, I feel sometimes like I must get a life. I am 44 year old and still haven't ‘come out’ of the closet. My parents (who are elderly) and the rest of my family have never been told about my sexual preference. I have always considered myself to be gay, even though I have had a relationship with a woman.
I have always been confused, on what the normal thing to do, and not on what I really want to do. I always have been attracted to men from the early age of about 10. I know that is probably hard for someone to believe, but it is as strong of a feeling as I feel today.
I have been through hell all throughout my life, not suicidal, but depressed because I can't feel that I have the right to act on my emotions. I have lead a life of never being able to have the one I love, or I think I love near me, besides a night here and there. I have literally put myself in danger, trying to keep everything I do a secret. I hate to lie to anyone, some day some I want to come clean about my emotions.
I am now back in college, getting my degree in business management, with the emphasis on travel and tourism. I still have my looks, but I need to be loved now, and not later. I am at the point in my life were I am ready to tell everyone about my sexual preference. If they don't like it, so be it.
No one has ever asked me if I am gay, which is surprising, as I haven't been with a woman in a very long time. Maybe they already know, and don't care, but I am tired of living this secret life. My confusion has to stop, I never feel like I have a complete life. I have cried myself to sleep many times and there has been no one to talk too. I am a very masculine man and tears I shed, bother me, for I am not a weak person, just totally confused and unhappy. I feel that I don’t have any direction and I think that is so sad that I have never been happy and I mean never, not even as a child.
I am 33 years old and I know I am gay, can't say I am entirely happy about this, probably because my circumstances find me single at the moment.
As I look back on my life I feel I always new I was gay but for a very long time it was something I kept a secret and also something for many reasons I was confused about. We keep these secrets for a lot of reasons but mostly because of what other people may think. I don’t live in an area that is ‘gay friendly’ so in my situation I just tried to live a straight life, I got married, had two children and built a house. All the while knowing I was gay but believing my sexual preference was something you could control, I believed you still had a choice.
My so-called ‘straight’ life fell apart when I met a man who I fell in love with, this was then I realised how important it is to be the person who you want to be and not what society expects you to be. I have never had a lot of confidence in myself so to travel the road I am now has been at great sacrifice but I know that I will never ever find true happiness until I am truly happy within myself, being who I am.
I really feel for guys who are not sure of their sexuality as I have lived that life and know how it feels. At this stage of my life the thing I find hard now is the difficulty I have in meeting people and how hard it is to find someone who does not just want a one night stand but who is willing to commit to a relationship.
I am yet to be with a man and know that step will be a difficult one, I am not scared about it but I know it is not something I can do with someone I do not have feelings for.
I believe that people are ''bisexual'' when the emotional feelings for both sexes are there, not only sex. If it is just sex, then perhaps it is just the physical, fun and exciting part they are looking for. At the end of the day, if someone does not want to be with both sexes, care for them and hold them, then they are not bisexual, but just 'sexual'. The gender that they do feel this way about, is the gender that they are fundamentally sexually attracted to. I believe gay people are born gay; it has been so natural for me, from such a young age.